Free Jokes Page No 4.at some/all/none/any are not public domain, it is all right to laugh anyway.
Jokes Page No 4.
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WHY
1.Why do they lock service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
2.If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
3.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
4.Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
5.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
6.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
7.Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
8.How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
10.Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11. If corn oil comes from ground up corn, where does baby oil come from?
12. How did a fool and his money GET together?
Deep Thoughts..
1.If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
2.If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
4.Is there another word for synonym?
5.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
6.When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7.Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
8.Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
9.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
10.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
QUESTIONS KIDS ASK
1.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
2.What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
3.What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
4.If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
5.If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
6.If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Shortland St'?
7.If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
8.If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
9.If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
10.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Quotes
1)"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is." -- Unknown
2)In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams
3)The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. -- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
4)"33.33% of the mice used in the experiment were cured by the test drug;
33.33% of the test population were unaffected by the drug and remained in a moribund condition;
The third mouse got away." -- Erwin Neter (Excerpt from The Little SAS Book; A Primer)
5)"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -- Woody Allen
"True Navy Humor"
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is "Rocky Point" Lighthouse. Your call.
More Why
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in service stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a shop is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If swimming is so good for the figure, how then do you explain whales?
And what about the fellow who said, "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous"?
Did you know who in 1923 in the USA was:
1.President of the largest steel company?
2.President of the largest gas company?
3.President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4.Greatest wheat speculator?
5.President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.
Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
1.The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2.The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3.The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4.The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5.The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6.The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf
Can this be So ?
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"It is bad luck to be superstitious" -Andrew Mathis
"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas" -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
Sayings
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and it looks like work. Thomas Edison
You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime. --Dale Carnegie
Riddles
What do you call a deer with no eyes
No idear.
Question What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Answer: Still no idear.
Do you know where honeybees go to the bathroom? At the BP station.
Question: Why did the blonde put TGIF on her shoe?
Answer: Toes Go In First
Question: What do you call a person with no arms and legs, at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: Sandy .
Question : What do you call a handcuffed man?
Answer: Trustworthy.
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain,and haven't seen them since. It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.
Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too.
Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time. Love, Your Mama
P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.
What have you got?
A man went into a bar and ordered a double. When it came, he drank it straight down and ordered another. He drank it straight down also. This went on for about four drinks. Finally the concerned bartender said, "You know, you really shouldn't be drinking so much."
The man replied, "I know. Especially with what I've got."
"What have you got?" asked the bartender.
"One dollar." said the man.
Q: Why did the orange go to the doctor? A: Because he wasn't peeling well.
The Zoo
Once there was these 3 boys. They went to the zoo. The zoo keeper asked them what was their names and what were they doing.
The First boy said, "My name is Tommy and I was feeding peanuts to the lion".
The second boy said, "My name is Chris and I was feeding peanuts to the lion". The third boy said, "My name is Peanuts".
More from the Bar Room..
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink- The bartender says, "You're a MUSHROOM! We don't serve mushrooms here!!"
The mushroom looks hurt and looks up at the bartender and says, "Aw c'mon... I'm really a fun-guy (fungi)..."
Three strings went into a bar and ordered a drink. When the bartender came over, he said, "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave." They went to another bar and ordered a drink, the bartender told them the same thing: "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave."
When they went to another bar, the third string tied a knot in one end of himself and unraveled some strands. The bartender approached the strings, and said to the first one, "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave. He looked at the second and said the same thing. Peering closely at the third, he said, "Aren't you a string, too?"
"No," said the string, "I'm a fraid not.
Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatca git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter taim
PROMPT: Whut th mail ain't in th winter taim
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer th TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur th kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang th dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
REBOOT: Whut you do when th first pair gets covered withall that barnyard stuff.
LAN: To borrow, as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me your truck!"
CURSOR: Whut some guys do when they get mad at their wimmen.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.
"I am a dynamic figure. But no University Degree...."
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ANY ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
"But I have not yet gone to college."
"I'M GOING TO JUMP"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage." "If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again." "If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again." "If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
-- Next Day --
The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too.
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also.
-- At The Funeral --
The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again".
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas, I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife.... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his OWN lunch."
And More Whys
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
"SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO MUCH..."
*When filling out your driver's license application, you give your IP address.
* You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
* Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
* You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
* You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" and refer to your childrenas "client applications."
* Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they're made out of World Wide Web
.* You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" He says, "It's the sun."
* You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.
* When using your phone you forget that you don't have to use your keyboard.
* You think Edgar Alan Poe wrote "The Pit and the Pentium."
* Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format him another one.* Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites.
* When your modem starts smoking.
* You log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
* If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photo.
* When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather ServiceWeather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
* When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.
* When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
* When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.
* If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
* You maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses and/or use more than 20 passwords.
* You set up your own Web page.
* You set up a Web page for each of your kids...and your pets.
* If you can write a list like this.
* If you can relate to a list like this.
"Out Gathering Snails"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strollingalongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Fraysing.
1.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2.Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of the two weevils.
"Good News And Bad News"
There were four passengers in the plane flying along smoothly, when the engines started to sputter then quit. The pilot came back to the cabin and said:" There is good news and bad news. The bad news is, we are going to crash. The good news is there are four parachutes." With that he grabbed the first parachute and jumped out.
The first passenger jumped up and said; "I'm Michael Jordon. One of the world's great athletes. The world needs great athletes." grabbed the second parachute and jumped out.
With that the second passenger leapt from his seat and said; "I am Bill Gates. One of the smartest men in the world. The world needs smart men." Grabbed a parachute and jumped out.
The third, the Dali Lama looked at the hippy and said;" Son I am an old man and have had a full rich life. I am not afraid to die. You are young and have your life ahead of you, you take the last parachute and save yourself."
The hippy turned to the Dali Lama and said; "No sweat man. Keep COOL. There's no problem, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
"Super Bowl Blues"
A man sitting through the first quarter of the Super Bowl can't help but notice the conspicuously vacant seat next to the man to the right of him. Wanting to make polite conversation he leans over to the man and says "Can you believe someone paid all that money for a seat to the Super Bowl and then doesn't show up?"
The man turns to him and says "That's my wife's seat she recently passed away."
"Oh I am so sorry to hear that." the first man said, "didn't anyone else in your family want the Ticket?"
The second man never took his eyes from the football game, "Sure, they did, but they're all at the funeral."
A Joke
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."