Free Jokes Page No 2.

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A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled him and asked him what had happened?

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth and came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying SOB!'"

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying SOB!"

"We were just standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

A city man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return. "What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's what for!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "It's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night..." - Andre Botes

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful and ignore aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting, when he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes, they were gone.

He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck.

Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged.

"Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked.......

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed. "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

Is it OK to use your AM radio in the after noon?

What do people in China call their best plates?

What do you call a male ladybird?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tested it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor."

"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"I have three cats. Is it true that [brand name] Cat Food makes the poop smell better?"

"Will chewing drink cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering.... How many calories are in a mouse?"

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he may well believe you, but tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw the gun at him?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Would Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose fiendish idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

The woman taking my order at a fast-food restaurant was about 25. She was attractive and had a bubbly personality and a warm smile. Even though I'm 45, I felt there was chemistry between us. Before I walked away from the counter to sit down, we made eye contact and again exchanged smiles.

Eating my burger, I glanced at my receipt, and it was then I noticed she had given me the senior-citizen discount.

It has been said, "You are what you eat" -

So, stay away from chicken, right?

One day, a duck walked into a bar and asked for grapes. "Sorry," said the bartender, "We don't have any grapes." Then the duck went home.

The next day, the duck came back and asked for grapes. "I told you," the bartender said, "We have no grapes!" The duck, once again, went home.

The next day, the duck came back and asked for grapes. "I told you!" The bartender said impatiently, "WE HAVE NO GRAPES! If you come and ask that again, I'll NAIL your bill to the floor!" The duck hurried home.

The next day, the duck went back to the bar and asked, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replied, "No, we don't." "Oh, okay," the duck said, "Then do you have any grapes?"

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles' "Yesterday" :

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

If you think about it, Adam would have had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day.

I mean, what do you get somebody who is Everything ?

Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tube like fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22- caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across because all the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

They say this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one scruffy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a quarter of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later...etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?

In theory, two minutes.

In reality of course, it isn't possible - unless you are prepared to split hares.

Total Recall Redefined…

Drive carefully. It's not only motor cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really

existed in the first place, because everyone knows that there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

WOMEN - STOP READING HERE, THAT IS THE END OF THE JOKE.

MEN - KEEP ON SCROLLING

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, you have just illustrated another point - women either never listen or are unable to follow simple instructions.

Well, when God found something had happened in the Garden of Eden, He questioned Adam. So naturally Adam blamed Eve, and Eve in turn blamed the nasty evil serpent, and of course the poor old snake didn't have a leg to stand on!

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because if you do, then you

won't have a leg to stand on either.

Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't comprehend how anybody could possibly bring themselves to make a crib like that for only $41.50."

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and Viola! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife, "There's that woman that the guy next door is in love with!"

His wife in the kitchen dropped the plate she was drying, dashed into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where? Where ?" she demanded.

"Right over there on the corner - in the blue dress."

"You stupid idiot! That's his wife!!!"

"Yes, I know," the husband grinned.

Computer Humor ......

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God

created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Have you heard about the new Cray Computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

Have you heard this about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it!

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 750 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024x1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300.

What's the first question that the computer community asks?

"Is it PC compatible?"

Isn't it odd that all the members of the Association for Computing Machinery are human?

(I've been thinking of signing my home computer up.)

What do you call a computer scientist?

It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too busy with his computer to come anyway.

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