Free Jokes Page 17.
Jokes Page No 17.
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Relationship Education For WomenSmall Town Church
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church
in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Andrews
Church.
Just then, her young son piped up, "It must be a franchise, we've got one
of those at home too."
Big Rocks
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look
at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"Well, where are the glaciers then?"
"The glaciers, dear lady," said the guide in a weary voice, "have
gone back to get more rocks."
Words To Live By
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you gave up thinking.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of reach.
The affection of your dog is proportional to the wetness of it's paws.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you meet computer (Micro)software.
Monday is a truly awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The further you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is probably the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the most interesting one.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Always try to be modest: And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....
If you get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize.
Plan to be spontaneous all day tomorrow.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
The Quick and the Dead
Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The
Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills
to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it
was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious
office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency
to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor,"
the man said, "is there a chance that I could take over Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'll have to hurry,
I think the undertaker is nearly finished."
Fraud Warning!
WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service, "DO
NOT OPEN IT!"
This group operates a major scam around the same time every year. Their letter
claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the
operation of essential functions of the government. This is untrue! The money
the IRS collects is used to fund themselves and various other corporations which
entirely depend on these 'subsidies' to stay in business.
This organization has ties to another questionable organization called the Social
Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks
and save it for your retirement. This is not so. In truth, the SSA uses the
money to pay for it's own overheads and the same misguided corporate welfare
the IRS helps to mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working citizens out of billions
of dollars. Don't you be among them!
Getting on…
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.
Related?
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word after an
earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives
of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Bad Landing
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and
a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed
annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with
a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, do you mind
if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Oh God! Save Me!
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark
in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees
the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming
like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great
white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams,
"Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The
man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You
are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well,
that's true, I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the
shark believe in you?
"The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back
into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down
on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows
its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
Ways To Simulate Ski Season
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers
why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half
an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking
for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten
a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait
in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and
you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow maker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.