Free Jokes Page 10.

Jokes Page No 10.

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Can't See
A married man left for work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

How To Write Good
1. Always avoid alliteration.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague--they're old hat.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
8. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
9. Contractions aren't necessary.
10. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
11. One should never generalize.
12. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
13. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
14. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
15. Profanity sucks.
16. Be more or less specific.
17. Understatement is always best.
18. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
19. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
20. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake
21. The passive voice should not be used.
22. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
23. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors--even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
24. Who needs rhetorical questions?
25. Don't use commas, that, are not necessary.
26. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
27. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
28. Subject and verb always has to agree.
29. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
30. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
31. Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
32. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
33. Don't be redundant.
34. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
35. Don't never use no double negatives.
36. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
37. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
38. Eschew obfuscation.
39. No sentence fragments.
40. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological construction
41. A writer must not shift your point of view.
42. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
43. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
44. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
45. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
46. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
47. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
48. Always pick on the correct idiom.
49. The adverb always follows the verb.
50. And always be sure to finish what

Jell-O
Freddy had never seen a plate of Jell-O. He sat there at the dinner table staring at it for a long moment, watching it quiver.
"Go ahead and eat it," his mother ordered.
"Eat it!" the boy drew back in amazement. "It ain't dead yet!"

Easy time
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong a room shattering bash with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "HEY, KNOCK IT OFF ! It's two AM!"

Get Your Mother.
An elderly Hutterite couple with their son went into town for the first time. Eventually they ended up in a tall office building. The wife wandered off to look at something that had caught her eye, while the boy and his father became attracted to a shiny wall that kept opening and closing.. They kept seeing people go in and then come out differently. Finally, the gentleman had enough when he saw an old lady get into the shiny box , the lights flashed on and off again and then a few minutes later a gorgeous blonde stepped out.
"Son," he said while panting heavily, "hurry and go get your mother."

Exact Time
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
"That's really funny," the operator giggled,. "Because all this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Letter to Dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

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