The Free Jokes Page No 1
The Jokes Page
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Losing weight – Smoking is a great way to lose weight. Yeah – one lung at a time!
Four People
This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn"; A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!.
Q: What's Black and Brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
True
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
Cherry Brandy
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
Fast Chicken
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 KPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 KPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said "Don't know, we haven't caught one yet!!!"
Maybe…
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while in the real world some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"
"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
"How come we get choose from just two people for Prime Minister and 50 for Miss New Zealand?"
"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"
"A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
"I, personally, have got 20/20 hindsight!"
The Captain's Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where is the boat ?"
"Tragedy"
Bill Clinton visited a school last week.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "Tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a "Tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an "Accident".
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved...that would be a "Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a "Great Loss."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteered. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a "Tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton
were blown up by a bomb, would that be a "Tragedy?"
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a "Tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an "Accident," "And it certainly would be no "Great Loss!"
"I know what the Bible means!"
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
I SAW C SORE
Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
This is Quite True…
A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.
The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for thousands of years. The Ten Commandments, for instance."
The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"
Top 45 Oxymorons ......
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
"No Room At The Inn"
A traveller named John pulled into a little town for the night to find every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveller assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. " No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" he asked.
" Nope, " John replied, " I shut him up in no time." "How did you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said "Goodnight Beautiful." "With that, he sat up all night watching me."
Groucho Says ......
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
"Granddaddy, did God make you?"
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a Goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"
"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago." "Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't He?"
Redefining Words ......
1.Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
2.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
3.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
4.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
5.Lymph - v To walk with a lisp.
6.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
7.Bustard - n., a very rude bus driver.
8.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
9.Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
11.Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
12.Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
13.Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Definition.
The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing
True Stories ......
.A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
.A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
.Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter.
One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
Modern Aphorisms ......
1.Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
2.Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
3.The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
4.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
5.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
6.Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
7.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
8.The Dopeler Effect. The tendency of bad ideas to seem good if they come at you fast enough…
Resuscitation?
"If your computer died, would it help to give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation?"
Fraysing.
1.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2.Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of the two weevils.
A Simpsonism
People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
Defined
1.Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
2.There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
3.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
5.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
6.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
7.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
8.Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
9.I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
10.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Try These…
1.Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
2.My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
3.It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
4.For every action, there is an equal and opposite government restriction.
5.Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6.If you look like your passport picture, you really need the trip.
7.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
8.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
9.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
10.Opportunities always look bigger coming than going.
11.Experience is the knowledge you acquired immediately after you needed it.
Think About It......
1.Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
2.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
3.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
4.I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
5.Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
6.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and they have bare feet.
7.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8.The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
9.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10.A dropped tool will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.
The Pope's Visit
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
1,2,3…..
1.A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
2.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
3.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."
You didn't believe in me
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Definition
1."To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
2.Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."
3.A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous."
4.Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."
5."Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."
6."Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
7."Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."
8."Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."
WHY
1. Why do they lock service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
2.If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
3.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
4.Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
5.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
6.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
7.Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
8.How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
10.Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Deep Thoughts..
1.If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
2.If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
4.Is there another word for synonym?
5.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
6.When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7.Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
8.Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
9.What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
10.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
QUESTIONS KIDS ASK
1.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
2.What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
3.What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
4.If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
5.If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
6.If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Shortland St'?
7.If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
8.If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
9.If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
10.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Quotes
1)"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is." -- Unknown
2)In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams
3)The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. -- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
4)"33.33% of the mice used in the experiment were cured by the test drug; 33.33% of the test population were unaffected by the drug and remained in a moribund condition; The third mouse got away." -- Erwin Neter (Excerpt from The Little SAS Book; A Primer)
5)"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -- Woody Allen
"True Navy Humor"
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is Rocky Point Lighthouse. Your call.
More Why
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in service stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
If Convenience Store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If swimming is so good for the figure, how then do you explain whales?
And what about the fellow who said, "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous"?
Did you know who in 1923 in the USA was:
1.President of the largest steel company?
2.President of the largest gas company?
3.President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4.Greatest wheat speculator?
5.President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
1.The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2.The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3.The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4.The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5.The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6.The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf
Can this be So ?
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"It is bad luck to be superstitious" -Andrew Mathis
"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas" -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
Sayings
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and it looks like work. --Thomas Edison
You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime. --Dale Carnegie
Riddles
What do you call a deer with no eyes No idear.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear.
Do you know where honeybees go to the bathroom? At the BP station.
Question: Why did the blonde put TGIF on her shoe? Answer: Toes Go In First
Question: What do you call a person with no arms and legs, at the bottom of the ocean? Answer: Sandy .
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain,and haven't seen them since.
It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.
Love, Your Mama
P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.
What have you got?
A man went into a bar and ordered a double. When it came, he drank it straight down and ordered another. He drank it straight down also. This went on for about four drinks. Finally the concerned bartender said, "You know, you really shouldn't be drinking so much." The man replied, "I know. Especially with what I've got." "What have you got?" asked the bartender.
"One dollar." said the man.
Q: Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling well.
The Zoo
Once there was these 3 boys. They went to the zoo. The zoo keeper asked them what was their names and what were they doing. The First boy said, "My name is Tommy and I was feeding peanuts to the lion". The second boy said, "My name is Chris and I was feeding peanuts to the lion". The third boy said, "My name is Peanuts".
More from the Bar..
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink- The bartender says, "You're a MUSHROOM! We don't serve mushrooms here!!" The mushroom looks hurt and looks up at the bartender and says, "Aw c'mon... I'm really a fun-guy (fungi)..."
Three strings went into a bar and ordered a drink. When the bartender came over, he said, "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave." They went to another bar and ordered a drink, the bartender told them the same thing: "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave." When they went to another bar, the third string tied a knot in one end of himself and unraveled some strands. The bartender approached the strings, and said to the first one, "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave. He looked at the second and said the same thing. Peering closely at the third, he said, "Aren't you a string, too?"
"No," said the string, "I'm a fraid not.
Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatca git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter taim
PROMPT: Whut th mail ain't in th winter taim
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer th TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur th kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang th dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.
"I am a dynamic figure. But no University Degree...."
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ANY ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. "But I have not yet gone to college."
"I'M GOING TO JUMP"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage."
"If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again." "If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again." "If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
-- Next Day --
The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also.
-- At The Funeral --
The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again". The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas, I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife....
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his OWN lunch."
And More Whys
1)Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
"SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO MUCH..."
"Out Gathering Snails"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and
said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Fraysing.
1.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2.Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of the two weevils.
"Good News And Bad News"
There were four passengers in the plane flying along smoothly, when the engines started to sputter then quit. The pilot came back to the cabin and said:" There is good news and bad news. The bad news is, we are going to crash. The good news is there are four parachutes." With that he grabbed the first parachute and jumped out. The first passenger jumped up and said; "I'm Michael Jordon. One of the world's great athletes. The world needs great athletes." grabbed the second parachute and jumped out. With that the second passenger leapt from his seat and said; " I am Bill Gates. One of the smartest men in the world. The world needs smart men." Grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The third, the Dali Lama looked at the hippy and said;" Son I am an old man and have had a full rich life. I am not afraid to die. You are young and have your life ahead of you, you take the last parachute and save yourself." The hippy turned to the Dali Lama and said; "No sweat man. Keep COOL. There's no problem - the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
"Super Bowl Blues"
A man sitting through the first quarter of the Super Bowl can't help but notice the conspicuously vacant seat next to the man to the right of him. Wanting to make polite conversation he leans over to the man and says "Can you believe someone paid all that money for a seat to the Super Bowl and then doesn't show up?" The man turns to him and says "That's my wife's seat she recently passed away." "Oh I am so sorry to hear that." the first man said, "didn't anyone else in your family want the Ticket?"
The second man never took his eyes from the football game, "Sure, they did, but they're all at the funeral."
A Joke
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish com munity. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."